[Season 10 Episode 9]
Written by: Scott Silveri
Produced by: Robert Carlock and Wendy Knoller
Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa
Checked by Kim
Further revisions and extended DVD content added (in blue) by Darcy Partridge.
Rachel: Uh-huh. So true.
Ross and Phoebe: Yeah.
(Long pause, while everyone is oblivious to the fact that they're just sitting around in the coffee house all day.)
(Monica and Chandler enter, with luggage)
Chandler: Hey!
Ross: Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: We're just here to say goodbye. We're off to Ohio.
Phoebe: Oh, right! your adoption interview!
Monica: Yep, we're gonna meet the lady who could be carrying our baby.
Joey: I can't believe it. When you guys come back, you're gonna have a baby! That is so weird!
Chandler: And so incorrect!
Monica: She's only a couple of months pregnant. She liked our application but who knows if she's gonna like us.
Ross: Oh, come on, she's gonna love you guys!
Chandler: Oh, thank you, but we're really trying not to get our hopes up.
Monica: And a lot could still get in our way.
Chandler: Yeah. I mean, this girl could decide against adoption or she could like another couple better.
Phoebe: What are you gonna name the baby?
Chandler: I could develop a condition in which I talk and talk and no one hears a word.
Joey: But just think, okay? What if everything goes right? What if this woman does pick you guys?
Monica: Oh, my God. She's gonna pick us!
Chandler: So we're standing firm on the "not getting our hopes up?"
Monica: No, I know that things could still go wrong, but if they don't? If this works out, we're gonna have a baby, Chandler. A baby!
Chandler: Yes, but--
Monica: Oh, my God, it's gonna work! We're gonna make it work! I'm gonna be a mommy and you're gonna be a daddy! All right, I'll see you suckers. I'm gonna get me a baby! (she leaves)
Chandler: Aw, screw it. I'm gonna be a daddy!
Rachel: (to Joey) Hey, who's Phoebe with?
Joey: Mike. (Gives her a look like, "you should know this already.")
Rachel: No, Joey. Who is Phoebe with at the door?
Joey: I want to say, "Someone I'm gonna have sex with."
(the girl leaves and Phoebe goes toward the couch)
Joey: (to Phoebe) Hey.
Phoebe: Hey.
Joey: So, uh, who's your friend?
Phoebe: Oh, that's Sarah. No, no. Don't you get any ideas, okay? No, I'm not setting you up with any more of my friends!
Joey: Wh-why, why?
Phoebe: Because you'll date her once, sleep with her and then forget she exists.
Joey: Oh, name one friend of yours that I did that with.
Phoebe: Mandy.
Joey: Mandy, huh? Uh, really hot blonde, big boobs?
Phoebe: No.
Joey: Might be why I don't remember her, huh? (he winks at Rachel)
Rachel: Do you think I'm someone else?
Joey: Okay, look, I may not have treated your friends well in the past, but I have grown up a lot. Really. Honest. Rach?
Rachel: Yeah, believe it or not, it's true. When Joey and I were together, he was wonderful. He was thoughtful and mature. And for the one week that we went out, he didn't sleep with anybody else.
Joey: (pointing at himself) Growth.
Phoebe: Fine, I'll give you her number.
Joey: Okay, thank you. And I promise you I will not forget this one. (he starts writing on his hand) Mandy.
Phoebe: Sarah!
Joey: Sarah.
Ross: (entering) Hey.
Rachel and Joey: Hi / Hey.
Ross: Hey, guys, I need some fashion advice.
Rachel: Oh.
Ross: How does this look? (he takes a powder blue beret out of a shopping box and puts it on)
Rachel: Well, it's a little low. Pick up a little. (Ross raises it a little.) A little bit more. (he raises it again.) A little bit more. (he takes it off) There you go! Now throw it away!
Ross: Come on! This looks good!
Rachel: Ross, please, trust me. I buy 30 fashion magazines a month. Now, I don't know who's running for president or who that NATO guy is, but I do know that you have to get as far away as you can from that hat.
Ross: Damn it! I have this date tomorrow night and I have to look cool!
Joey: Well, who's the girl?
Ross: Her name's Joan. She's in fashion. She works for Hugo Boss.
Rachel: (Scoffs) Hugo Boss? I thought you said she was in fashion. (Everyone looks perplexed.) Oh, at the Ralph Lauren offices, that would have killed.
Phoebe: Well, if you want fashion help, Rachel and I are going shopping tomorrow. You're more than welcome to come with us, right?
Ross: Really? That would be great. I-I mean, I have to do something. She kind of teased me about how I dress.
Joey: I can see why. Nice shirt.
Ross: You're wearing the same shirt.
Joey: Stupid Gap on every corner!
Agency guy: Please make yourselves comfortable and I'll be back in a moment with Erica.
Monica: Okay, thank you.(the man leaves) Ooh, well, this is it. Are you okay?
Chandler: Yeah. It's just weird, you know. It's like, uh, "Hi, I'm Chandler. May I have the human growing inside you?"
Monica: Ooh! You're gonna be great.
Chandler: You're gonna be great.
Monica: Well, obviously!
Agency guy: (he enters with Erica) Monica, Chandler. I'd like you to meet Erica.
Monica: Hi. It is so, so nice to meet you.
Erica: Hi.
Chandler: Thank you so much for agreeing to see us.
Erica: Hi.
Agency guy: I'll let you get acquainted.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Thanks.
Erica: So, it's Monica and Chandler? I only know you as file CRW33815-D.
Chandler: That's what our friends call us.
Erica: Gosh, you know, you're just such an amazing couple. It's kind of intimidating.
Monica: Oh, ha-ha, I don't know about that.
Erica: Are you kidding me? I mean, it's enough that you are a doctor. But on top of it, you're married to a reverend?
Chandler: (astonished) I don't think that's exactly--
Monica: Let her finish, doctor.
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: Oh, my friend Sarah had a great time last night.
Joey: Oh.
Phoebe: Yeah. So you gonna call this one back?
Joey: No.
Phoebe: What are you talking about? Sarah's great!
Joey: Oh, really? You want to know what your "great" friend did? We're out to dinner, okay? (he starts talking about the date and we can see what happened through a flashback video) We're getting along, having a really nice time. I was thinking she was really cool. And then, out of nowhere...
(In slow motion, and while Twilight Zone music plays, Sarah takes some fries from Joey's plate. Joey looks on angrily. Then we're back to Central Perk and Joey gives a you-see-what-I-mean look to Phoebe.)
Phoebe: That's it? That-that's why you won't go out with her again? So, she took some fries, big deal!
Joey: Hey, hey, look! It's not about a few fries. It's about what the fries represent.
Phoebe: What?
Joey: All food!
Phoebe: Well, I'm-I'm sorry. I-I-I can't believe I set you up with such a monster!
Joey: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, look. I take a girl out, she can order whatever she wants! The more, the better! All right? Just don't order a garden salad and then eat my food! That's a good way to lose some fingers!
(Rachel enters from the main door)
Phoebe: (to Rachel) Oh...!
Rachel: Hi.
Phoebe: Thank God you're here. Listen to this!
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: So Joey and my friend were out last night. They're having dinner and she reaches over and takes a few of his fries--
Rachel: (Gasps) Oh, no!
(Joey chuckles with satisfaction.)
Phoebe: What? You-you know about the-the plate thing?
Rachel: Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, Joey doesn't share food. I mean, just-just last week we were having breakfast and-and he had a couple of grapes on his plate.
Phoebe: (to Joey) You wouldn't let her have a grape?
Rachel: Oh, no. Not me. Emma!
(Phoebe looks horrified and she turns to watch Joey)
Joey: (pointing a finger to himself) Joey doesn't share food!
Phoebe: Well, I still think that is a stupid reason not to call someone again. You are calling her. Okay? And if-if you need to, then just get an extra plate of fries for the table.
Joey: (he thinks a little and seems quite intrigued) I like that. A sharing buffer. Yeah, yeah. I'll order some extra fries. Maybe a plate of onion rings. Yeah. Yeah, and a shrimp cocktail. Uh-huh, and some buffalo wings. Yeah, maybe-maybe an individual pizza, huh? And some mozzarella sticks. (he looks absorbed in his food thoughts) What were we talking about?
Phoebe: This place is awesome! Everyone is so mean. (She sees a woman walk by in a boring outfit.) Ugh! (The woman glares back at her) So fun!
Ross: You know what? We should just go. I'm not gonna find anything here. This stuff is ridiculous.
(Rachel arrives with a lot of clothes)
Rachel: Ah! this place is great!
Phoebe: Wow. Okay, you guys have fun. (In a nasal, condescending tone:) I'm going to go talk to people in this voice.
Ross: Rach, come on. I'm not gonna wear any of this. (he picks up a shirt) Nothing silver. (Rachel sighs). Okay? Nothing with hair! (Rachel gasps) And nothing with padlocks on it! (Rachel gives a disappointed sigh).
Rachel: Ross, look. Okay, look. I know that some of this stuff is out there, but I mean, come on, look at this. Look at this sweater! (she picks up a blue sweater). I mean, this is just beautiful!
Ross: (feeling the fabric) Wow, this is really soft. (he looks the price) Three hundred and fifty dollars?
Rachel: Down from seven hundred. You're saving, like, two hundred bucks.
Ross: Both logic and math are taking a serious hit today.
Phoebe: (walking to Ross carrying a black leather jacket): Hey, check this out! It's totally you!
Ross: Wow.
Phoebe: Yeah.
(Ross wears the jackets and look at himself in the mirror)
Ross: Wow, actually, this-this looks like pretty good! Yeah!(he turns and reads the back of the jacket.) "Boys will be boys"?
Phoebe: What? They will be!
Ross: All right, that's it, I'm getting out of here.
Rachel: No, no, no, Ross, wait. Come on. Alright, you know, there's other stuff here. There's some nice shirts. Look at these nice pants.
Ross: Huh. Actually these-these might look pretty good on me.
Rachel: Yes, they will. You know what you should do? Just go take a walk, all right? I know your size and I'm-I'm gonna pick out some really good stuff for you.
Ross: Really?
Rachel: Yes! And I know what looks sexy on guys. Please, just wear what I suggest, and she is gonna go nuts for you.
Ross: So, you're saying, uh, if I wear these pants, I might be getting into hers?
Rachel: (to Phoebe) Why do men keep talking to me like this?
Chandler: So the fact that I am a doctor and my wife's a reverend, that's important to you?
Erica: Yeah, I read some great applications, but then I thought, "Who better than a minister to raise a child?"
Monica: Amen.
Chandler: Plus, I thought the baby would be in good hands with a doctor.
Monica: Uh, good hands. (she holds Chandler hands) Healing hands.
Erica: Reverend, can I ask? Does the bible say anything about adoption?
Monica: It says, "Do it!" "And behold she did adopt unto them a baby. And it was good."
Erica: Wow.
Chandler: Yeah, wow.
Erica: I was wondering, you both have such serious jobs. (to Monica) Would you have time to take care of a baby and your flock?
Monica: My-my flock?
Chandler: People in your church.
Monica: Oh, my flock!
Oh, no-no, my flock-- my flock is good. I mean, yeah, my flock pretty much takes care of themselves by this point. Good flock. Flock, flock, flock.Erica: (to Chandler) But being a doctor, that must must take up a lot of time.
Chandler: Not for me it doesn't.
(The agency guy enters the room)
Agency guy: So how's everything going in here?
Erica: We're great. I think I may have asked all my questions.
Agency guy: Good! Well, do you have any question for Erica?
Chandler: Yeah, actually. So you read a file that you liked and then you gave the agency the serial number and they contacted us?
Agency guy: Oh, yes. Our system assures total anonymity. We're very proud of it.
Chandler: You should be. You're really on top of stuff.
Agency guy: (to Erica) Well, then if there's nothing else, then the two of us should talk.
Erica: Actually, I don't think we have to.
Monica: You don't?
Erica: Yeah, when I read about you two, I was pretty sure I wanted you, but I just thought we should meet face to face. (to the agency guy). I've made my decision. I choose them.
Monica: Oh, my God, this is great. This is so great! (to Chandler, who looks bewildered). Did you hear that?
Chandler: Yeah, I did.
Monica: (to Erica) Hey, thank you. Thank you so much. (they hug). You are so going to Heaven!
Rachel: Oh, we got some really great stuff!
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. But I'm not sure about some of the bras I got.
Rachel: Oh, really? Do you wanna try some of them on for me?
Phoebe: Oh, okay. Wait, are we in Joey's imagination?
Rachel: (looking into one of her shopping bags) Oh, no. I took one of Ross's bags by mistake. And one of mine is missing.
Phoebe: oh, well, Ross probably has it, you can get it from him later.
Ross: (to Joey) So, what do you think? (Joey looks at with a strange look on his face.)
Joey: I think we're not wearing the same shirt anymore!
Ross: (not getting it) Yeah. Yeah, Rachel picked it out for me. She told me to trust her. And you know what? I'm glad I did! I turned quite a few heads on my way over here.
Joey: (now laughing a little) Dude, I really don't think you should be wearing that.
Ross: Oh, I see. Somebody's afraid of a little competition with the ladies?
Joey: (looking a little agitated now) It looks like someone is the ladies!
Ross: You're just jealous because you couldn't pull this off. Yeah, now if you'll excuse me, (getting up and taking his coat) I have a date. (As he is walking out, everyone turns and stares at him) See? (To Joey) All eyes on me.
Chandler: We are not signing those papers.
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: It's wrong. They made a mistake. They think we're somebody else.
Monica: God works in mysterious ways.
Chandler: You have got to stop.
Monica: But she liked us.
Chandler: She likes Doctor Chandler and Reverend Monica.
Monica: Well, if you think about it, I am kind of like a Reverend. I mean, as a chef, I serve God by feeding the hungry and poor.
Chandler: Your veal chop is 34.95.
Monica: Come on, Chandler. I just-- I think we've been given an opportunity. I mean, the mistake has already been made. They're writing up the papers right now.
Chandler: But we're not the ones she chose. How can you feel okay about this?
Monica: (very emotional) Because. We may not be who she thinks we are. But no one will ever love that baby more than us.
Chandler: I know.
Monica: I mean, who knows how long it's gonna take for someone else to give us a baby? What if, what if no one ever picks us?
Chandler: Oh, honey.
Monica: (Almost crying) Please. please, we are so close.
Chandler: Monica, I want a baby too, but this woman is giving away her child. She deserves to know who it's going to.
Monica: Okay, you're right. (They hug)
Chandler: So, we'll tell the truth and who knows? You know, maybe she'll like us for us.
Monica: (sniffing) Maybe she will. Uh! Why couldn't I have been a Reverend?
Chandler: You're Jewish.
Monica: Technicality!
Waiter: Garden salad for the lady.
Joey: Oh, that looks great! Good ordering!
Waiter: Seafood platter for the gentleman and extra fries. Enjoy!
Sarah: Mmmh, those fries look delicious.
Joey: Oh, I didn't know you liked French fries. Help yourself! What's mine is yours. (Sarah reaches over and takes a few fries)
Sarah: (looks over at Joey's platter) Oh, wow, are those stuffed clams?
Joey: Uh, yes, they are my stuffed clams.
(Sarah, is grinning and starts to reach over to Joey's plate to take a few clams)
Joey: How about those fries though, huh? (Holds the plate between Sarah's fingers and his plate, thus blocking her from reaching his)
Sarah: They are delicious (takes a few from the plate, puts one in her mouth and places the rest on her plate, then starts to reach over to Joey's platter again)
Joey: (Spotting her movements takes her hand into his own) You are beautiful, you know that?
Sarah: Oh, that is so sweet.
Joey: Okay. (she takes her hand back)
(Then she reaches over again and Joey moves his plate a little to the left, and she misses, then she reaches out again, and he moves his plate to the right , so she misses again. She tries a third time and this time, Joey pushes his plate so far to the left, it drops off the edge of the table)
Joey: Now look what you did!
Sarah: What? what is the matter with you?
Joey: I don't like it when people take food off of my plate, okay?
Sarah: But you just said, "What's mine is yours"?
Joey: Well, I didn't mean it!
Sarah: Fine, I'm sorry. I didn't think it was that big a deal.
Joey: I'm sorry, I'm overreacting, okay? It's just when it comes to food, I have certain rules, okay? I mean (bends down and with his plate and his hands, scrapes the dropped dinner back onto the plate and puts it back on the table) there are things you do and, you know, things that you don't do. (takes something from the plate and blows it a little, and takes a bite from it.)
(Sarah looks a little shocked.)
Girl: Wow, this place looks great.
Ross: Oh, you are gonna love it. (The girl is looking in the other direction as Ross is taking off his own coat, revealing the pink and white ladies shirt) and I'm so glad, we're finally doing this.
Girl: Me too. (starts to take her coat off)
Ross: Here. (gets behind her to help. When the coat comes off we see she is wearing the exact same shirt Ross is wearing. They look at each other, shocked. They abruptly put her coat back on.) So this was fun. (They leave the room and head into opposite directions)
Joey: I really am sorry about, you know, before. And I just want to make sure you know that I really do like you.
Sarah: Sure. Just not as much as clams.
Joey: Well, stuffed clams.
(The waiter arrives with their deserts)
Waiter: Chocolate Torte for the lady. Cheesecake for the gentleman.
Joey: Uh, excuse me, sir. There seems to be some sort of red crap on my cheesecake.
Waiter: Oh, yes, that's a raspberry coulis.
Joey: Coulis is not a monkey? When I read the description, I thought it came with a little raspberry monkey.
Sarah: (tasting hers) Oh, my God!
Joey: Oh, alright, I'll just have what she's having, instead.
Waiter: Oh, I'm sorry sir, that was our last piece.
Sarah: Mm! Mmm!
(In the broadcast version, the following line comes earlier, where the "monkey" line is)Joey: So stupid, ordering cheesecake. Trying to be healthy.
(Sarah's beeper starts bleeping)
Sarah: Oh, no! This is work. I should call in. Can you excuse me?
Joey: Oh, yeah, sure. No problem.
(Joey's looking at Sarah's dessert, and takes her plate.)
Sarah: What are you doing? I thought you don't share food.
Joey: Sure I do. (offering her his own dessert) Coulis?
Sarah: (laughing) No. If I can't have your clams, you can't have my dessert. This is a two way street.
Joey: (laughing) Really?
Sarah: Really. Now this all better be here when I come back. (puts her plate back at her side of the table)
Joey: Yeah, of course. I can control myself. (laughs uneasily and Sarah leaves the room)
(Joey sits sideways on his chair, looking at Sarah's chocolate torte, and then looking away from it, nervously playing with his fork, drumming with it on the table every now and then.)
Joey: (to the torte) Stop staring at me!
(He then straightens himself, and looks at the torte)
Joey: Well, just a tiny little....
(He takes a little piece of Sarah's dessert. At first he doesn't think it's that special, but then...)
Joey: Uh-oh!
TIME LAPSE
(Sarah returns to the table and stops is shock. Joey has emptied her plate and has chocolate all around his mouth.)
Joey: I'm not even sorry!
Erica: Hi.
Adoption Agency guy: Hey!
Chandler: Hi.
Agency guy: So these are the preliminary forms for an open adoption. There's a lot to go over, but I'll explain everything as we go through it.
Monica: (pointing to a picture on the table) Is-Is that a picture?
Erica: Yeah. It's a sonogram they took of the baby last week. I thought you might want to see it. (gives it to Monica, who looks at it for a long time, and then shows it to Chandler)
Monica: Look, doctor.
Chandler: Look, before we sign anything, we really have to talk. We're not who you think we are.
Agency guy: I don't understand.
Chandler: The agency must have made some mistake. My wife is not a reverend and I'm not a doctor.
Erica: What?
Agency guy: That's impossible.
Chandler: I could perform an operation on you and prove it if you'd like.
Agency guy: Uh, I have to check your file. Excuse me.
Erica: So who are you?
Chandler: Well, our names really are Monica and Chandler. We're from New York.
Monica: Yeah, but the important thing to know about us is how much we would care for this little baby. (holds up the sonogram)
Erica: So you lied to me, before?
Monica: Well, we "bore false witness." See? I could be a reverend.
Erica: I can't believe this.
Monica: But we were hoping that since we told you the truth that you still might consider--
Erica: Giving you my baby? You think I'd give you my child after this?
Monica: Well, you don't have to decide right now, but if you could just look at our file.
Erica: I don't want to look at your file! This is over.
(She leaves the room, but Chandler runs after her. They meet in the hallway.)
Chandler: Erica, wait!
Erica: I have nothing to say to you.
Chandler: You have every reason to be upset. We did lie. But only because we've been waiting and trying to have a baby for so long. And we don't know how long it's gonna be before we get another chance again.
Erica: Why don't you ask the reverend to pray on it?
Chandler: Erica, please. Just consider us. Ask them to see our file. Our last name's Bing. My wife's a chef and I'm in advertising.
Erica: Oh, yeah. I actually liked you guys. But it doesn't matter, because what you did was wrong. (walks away again, but Chandler catches up with her again)
Chandler: But you did like us. And you should. My wife's an incredible woman. She's loving and devoted and caring. And don't tell her I said this, but the woman's always right. I love my wife more than anything in this world. And it-it kills me that I can't give her a baby. I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I'll learn how to be a good dad. But my wife, she's already there. She's a mother without a baby. Please?
(They look at each other. We switch back to Monica. Chandler opens the door and she turns to look at him.)
Chandler: You still want that baby?
(Monica is relieved, smiles, and runs to Chandler, who doing a joyful dance. They hug.)
Monica: God bless you, Chandler Bing!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Ross: Turns out this sweater is made for a woman.
Joey: So why are you still wearing it?
Ross: Because it's soft. Hey, so how was your date?
Joey: Oh, not so good.
Ross: Well, looks like it's just the two of us tonight, huh, buddy?
Joey: Yeah. And you know what? We could do a lot worse.
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.
(There's a muffin on the table. Ross breaks off a piece is about to put it in his mouth.)
Joey: Joey doesn't share food!
(Ross puts the piece back on the plate)